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6/21/08 12:54 PM

Where am I? I keep asking myself that question. The sun was nice. I was just outside finishing “Magical Thinking” by Augusten Burroughs. The sun is out and I decided to let it pour on me. Being sick I thought that this might help, and it did.

I have been working for two weeks now at the Lobster Pound. Working here has been making me very anxious and prone to panic attacks. A lot of the time I feel like I am being judged and declared as a royal screw-up and failure. But the first two weeks of any job sucks. This much I know. Last week I drove to meet my sister on a Saturday so I could work a Sunday shift. I road to my new little quaint apartment by motorcycle. Sunday I worked my first day back. I didn’t do SO well because I hadn’t studied my menu items at all and everything was kind of in a wing-it mode. After being lectured on my menu knowledge abilities by several sources I was told to study.

Study I did sparingly. I went kayaking on Monday with my sister. We fought out on the water and I was astonished by how this fight was such an acute metaphor for our entire relationship. We came back and napped and drove home. Tuesday morning I received an email regarding an interview and almost immediately following an interview for a position at another school. I had a shift to work Wednesday so Tuesday night I drove to Maine only to drive home again Wednesday night for a Thursday morning interview.

Friday after the interview at school B I drove to Maine. This would be the last voyage for a while and I knew this in my bones.

So after about 21 hours total on the road that week I went in for a Friday shift at this restaurant job. I failed the menu test again and in doing this encurred yet more wraith from my superiors. I was given a timeline to study and pass and that was within the following 12 hours.

Exhausted and full of feelings of failure I went home and vented and screamed myself to sleep. I woke up the next morning and for 2.5 solid hours I studied like I never had before and then I passed the test.

This week has been better. I have been offered the job at school B and I am going to take the position. I am getting better at work. Yesterday I had to call in because I am sick and while I am feeling a little better today, I am still sick.

I started watching Big Love last night. Weird show. I am disturbed by how much I am growingly judgmental of Mormons. After reading of the Mountin Meadows massacre conspiracy in the book “Oh, What a Slaughter” by Larry McMurtry I just have weird feelings about Mormons. This probably, most-definitly comes from my Irish Catholic upbringing paired with the huge amount of ignorance I have about Mormons and their practices. All of which is surprising because legally I am recognized as a Mormon in the state of Arizona. (A story for another day.)

All in all I am learning. I am becoming stronger each day, if not physically, than mentally. I have wanted to be on my own and out of school for a long long time and now I am. I hate it. I am uncomfortable, lonely, and prone to anxiety. It gets a little better sometimes though. I will tell you how much it has been better in about 10 weeks when this little adventure ceases and I have to move again.

I am really looking forward to seeing Lahnna next weeked.

Peace out home skillets ~ MisterY